Assalamualaikum, and forgive me, had I done something to offend any of you.
High school was not that far back, but it was long enough for me to see what has happened between 'then' and 'now'. Until I graduated from high school, there wasn't much of me. There was only ME. After I was done with that, things happen, words become actions, reflections, a few blogs created and deleted, here I am today. I remember most of what happened. To me, before 'then', everything was normal, I lived a simple, happy life, just the casual stress on examinations and homework--typical student. During the long break between high school and matriculation, my family sorta hit a bump, and everything spilled. It wasn't much, but enough for me to see that my family has its problems as well. So my family reached the turning point. To others it might be their everyday routine, but for me it was a big deal.
But that's that.
I kept thinking, what of my school now?
Of everything I left behind?
Do I miss it? Do they miss me?
What would they think of me now?
I graduated high school on December 2011. I have friends that I hardly talk to anymore, despite being so close to them back then.They're not that far away, just--out of reach, until today. After year--what if I say hello? Do I tell them I miss them?
I don't know. I felt rejected.
It's not rocket science, you don't need to be a genius to know you don't belong to a certain group or clique. You just know. Everyday my thoughts wander, am I better now? What if I was raised differently, will I be better? Or worse, maybe. Some of you who know me skindeep, would either see me as a hooligan or some sort, or that guy with jubah and serban, and beard stuck to his face at 20 years old. I know enough to know I am neither one of that. I wear those clothes for the sake of the sunnah brought by Muhammad (pbuh), I am a bit rowdy because I am used to being that way ( in my defense, I AM trying to change that habit). When I was small, I was raised not to be the perfect muslim--only to be a proper, well disciplined human being. In other words, it was a bit secular.
I was unfamiliar of the arabic terms and whatnot, even today if I use it with my old friends from high school, I feel they become uncomfortable (maybe). Even to me, it is out of my comfort zone. I am not condemning the use of it, because arabic is the language of the paradise--but when I'm talking to someone, and they start using arabic phrases with me, especially the out of the norm terms, I feel bullied. Sort of. I was--and still is, with the mindset, as long as the message is true and beautiful, it's good enough.
I'm pretty much stuck between here and there. I feel I don't belong to either one. I am not unique--no, not at all.
I know. Everything I stepped on, the pricks, thorns, mud, grease--all to build me a strong footing, so I wouldn't fall tomorrow. Things might not have been great then, nor is it now, but everything has its own lesson. Should I fail to see the lesson in the pain, in the comfort, then 'tis but nothing but what it is seen as--pain, and ignorance.
"To serve mankind, in the name of God"
Putting your thoughts in ink doesn't make it better--nor does it make you feel any better. The bitterness is still there.
I am intimidated by everything, everyone. Standing tall, hoping that they don't bite.
-Hafidz Iddin
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